ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i take a chance every time in the time it takes to rearrange your heart, you secretly make several hundred NEW, COMPLETELY UNBREAKABLE heart stances with unidentifiable ideals. stop wasting time on re-inventing things, and try to just invent them. today was my first full day here. it's pretty amazing, although my farthest back right tooth is falling out of my mouth. i made three songs, one called "I take a chance everytime" and another one called "Temporary Crown". set up the new saturday looks good to me recording studio. tommorow i'll take pictures. the window in my room stays open all day, and the sounds that the neighborhood makes are the ones that i hear in my dreams. these dreams last all day, maybe. i'm not sure. i think about boxed belongings piling up, and dust collecting. no answers being the right answers, but sometimes there are no answers what so ever. sometimes the sound of dreams is just the possibility that sound will exist, or that dreams will give way to days that feel a little less like nightmares. also, here and there are the vague glimpses at what might be things you remember happening or what might be the way you have come to remember things. either way, the way it makes you feel today sends chills up oppoiste sides of your spine. on the right hand side, there's a chill of regret, a feeling of aging and circumstances beyond your control. a holding back, a cursing of everything that took place and the complicated, wearying roads these events led you down. this sort of heavy feeling, but the feeling is what's heavy, the sense of guilt, misunderstanding and a real constant wondering if things could have been more, less, better, brighter, just slightly more perfect or more well-put. the events and people and places you're remembering aren't the source of this crushing chilling weight, but the unknown factors they cause are what you feel. then, on the left side of your spine, there's a chill that's caused by the knowledge that everything you know, everything you've done and every person you've touched is a real part of who you are. this chill doesn't create a weight, but more or less opens the gates for other chills, other sorts of feelings, memories, places. this one is called "beauty", and it's kept at the top of the grandest ferris-wheels and in the speediest rotations of whatever rusted merry-go-round happens to be there. it's kept in the moments when you touch hands with someone and because of who they are and what they mean to you, you can feel their heartbeat like an earthquake through that millisecond of contact. it's hidden in upstairs rooms with locked doors and bits of dust reflecting in the light of may's sun, setting on an afternoon spent inside and oblivious, remembering the way your skin feels against someone else's that you happen to have fallen in love with. remembering how it feels to be unable to make yourself stop smiling. this "beauty" is kept in the awareness that your friend is coming up the block because you recognized her laugh, and god damn, is there any sweeter sound? is there any other sound? it is in our bicycles, our diaries, our all ages shows, our songs, our piles of clothes and papers on our beautiful floors and underneath our beds, our ideas, identities, understandings, mistakes, depressions, forthrightness, lies, misgivings, faith, hope, love. it is in our hands. it is on our hearts. when we know who we are and we know it counts. it's the only thing that counts. beauty is kept here. "The Beach Boys Love You" is by far the shittiest Beach Boys record. there are worse records by them, but as far as their most shitty, totally depressing and confusingly nauseating work, "Love You" takes the cake. i mean, in 1977 Brian Wilson was just a few too many songs over his quota, and probably so shattered and trembling that every idea he had became another song. with winners like "Johnny Carson" and "Honking Down The Highway", it's kind of a wonder the record even got released, even in the super shitty and mystical late 70's. you should really check it out. 08:44:31 - 2000-10-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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