ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- snake this is as close as you can get to a new day. yesterday there was this snake on the stoop when i got home from my bike ride. a medium-sized little garter snake, dark forest green with a sickly sort of yellow stripe down the belly. he was under the brick ledge right below the door, trying to slither in under the house, but there was nowhere for him to go, so he had to rush out and go in the garden near the bushes. i yelled and swore at him, said he wasn't cool and shouldn't hang out here anymore. i went in, and then went back out a few times, and he was still hanging out in the same spot in the bushes, just kind of looking around, and peeking his head up to see what i was doing. i later thought it was really cute and sweet, but at the time, i spit on him as hard as i could. snakes can't hear, i don't think, so when i stomped my feet, he just kind of stuck his tongue out a few times. i spit enough times, and yelled more (forgetting that they can't hear), called him a "motherfucker snake", and went for a walk. god damn, when i came back he was still there, just doing his thing and in the same place. i told you about it on the phone, and you were like "awww.. he likes you." i have been afraid of and hateful towards snakes since i was a very small child. but hanging out with that snake for a while yesterday, i kind of understood him more, and even thought he was kind of cute and friendly. most of my really close friends have begun as people i just didn't get along with or like very much at all. the first time i fell in love was so cool, maybe because i was so young and empty and ready to learn and make a million amazing mistakes, but mostly because when we first met, i hated hated hated the girl i fell in love with so hard. i even wrote a mean song about how she went out with all the dudes who were in cool bands, but she wouldn't even talk to me since she didn't like my band.. ha. i don't think i ever told her about that. my band did really suck, though. i wouldn't have gone out with me or married me either. i couldn't make it to the airport tonight. i don't know how to feel. i never used to ever say "I don't know". you reminded me that it can often be the best and most honest thing to say, to feel. sometimes it's hard to not know for too long. i really want to see you again. every night i tell myself i am the cosmos. i am the wind. last night i was laying in bed, and for some god fucking damned reason, i have been unable to sleep since the first of the year. someone has put a curse on me and it worked this time. i mean, only one time did i recognize actual sleep taking place. it felt so amazing and peaceful and deep that it startled me, and i immediately woke up. maybe when i start sleeping on floors again, i will feel at ease. anyway, last night i lay there, and i was thinking about all the people i couldn't reach. i tried and tried, and i guess it's not my fault, but that makes it no easier. i started speaking, but i don't know who i was talking to, them or myself.. "your life will be lonely. your life will be sad. your voice will be raised so high for so long that you will forget the sound and the power of silence. your fists will be clenched until you can no longer hold anything. always ready to fight, so eternally ready to be let down that you will stay down, as not to be put there by anyone else." i told you about how sometimes, i just start talking or thinking out loud, and even though i don't understand a minute of it, it always makes the most and most perfect sense later on. i want to open up my life and let in all the ideas and chances and mistakes and failures and problems and beauty and hope that i can find anywhere. i am so ready to let go and my only reaction or response is to hold on as tightly as i possibly can. help me. thank you for all of your help, and for cutting my hair a million times, and for having some sort of love through all the miles of bussiness and childishness. there is something stronger than faith and more beautiful than gold. press your hands against my forehead and take away my headache, sing me something sweet, that it might send me off to sleep, and hold on to me, no matter how fast or to what depths we fall. every night i tell myself i am the cosmos. i am the wind. ******* listen to: chris bell, love "You Are Something To Me" amazing later-period jam with a guitar solo taped twice as slow so it sounds superly fast on the song. also, it kind of sounds like a Sesame Street jam. neutral milk hotel, bald mermaid, wolf eyes "DREAD" (Burn Your Fucking House Down.), bob dylan, remainder. 12:01 a.m. - 4.25.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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