ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pollen so late. too late. it has been so long since i've been here, like i've imagined i could say something new or make myself laugh or even collect my thoughts on the computer screen for everyone to see. what a fucked up world, where we live in this continual concept of who and what each other are. digital profiles or something nice in an instant message building more and more often than kids sitting around on porches or walking together all night like we did before computers were commonplace. in the longterm, that is to say... eventually.. there is light and love and acceptance and understanding. everyone is in this confusing mess together, and the ones you care about the most, those who make you feel and the ones who feel because of you.. we get to pull each other closer and not be so afraid we push each other away. we get to understand why things "went wrong" or at least why we felt bad for so long or gave each other those mean looks for months at a time, and why they meant more than they would have before. we get to understand it and forget about it and it's ok. it doesn't hurt anymore. things have changed. we get to really be a part of each other in the long-last perfect, comfortable, respectful and honest and wonderful way we always saw in each other's eyes. the dissapointments; they're funny now. the months of pain and insecurity; melted away, only pure love left behind. every mis-spoken or aggressive or sad word is accepted for the mistake or imperfect communication it was. no one is mad. there are fun times and fires and thrilling beats of every real important heart and no one's back hurts and no one is too tired or too upset and we all sing together and it is deserved. this is what i'm thinking about, and realizing i've been thinking about since i was a kid. i talk about waiting a lot. i think i'm understanding that i might be waiting for this idea of eventual understanding, acceptance and growth. duh. it's not coming like a bomb or even like a letter. it's not going to sprout out of a kiss or even a series of kisses. if it's coming at all, it's coming like pollen. small and broken off in chunks of moments, here and gone, maybe still shaken like after you sneeze, but no longer happening. only moments. duh. when i went to see arthur lee the other night, i felt good. i felt so happy to see all these people i loved and hear (loud and played live) my favorite songs, and it was even better cause they were all everyone's favorite songs. driving to detroit alone, parking the car and walking in, like i'd done so many times, but not in so so long. i'm lucky to have had friends or at least counterparts to go with me and spend time with me. and even all alone, i knew that alone wasn't bigger than me. alone is all i got, and really all anyone gets in truth. you can look out from alone at all the other stuff happening, but we're all alone. all of us, all alone again tonight. however close we get, however deeply we understand or try, we still dream in boxes without openings. still think only in rooms with no doors or windows. still believe and feel only there. we can talk about it but no one else can enter, and we can't exit just yet. but it's not bigger than us, it's just exactly what we are. and i understood, and i knew enough to know that all the things that have made me sad for the past six months or a year or however long, oh man, these things are way smaller than alone is. wtf. my problem lately is that so many good things are happening or maybe threatening to happen, but i can't feel them yet. i can't get over the things that have been fucking me up forever. i wished for freedom. not freedom like "dude, my job sucks. i wish i had freedom to never work again" or "dude, i'm broke. i wish i was free to buy a new amp." or "dude, no one likes my band" or "dude, my parents never believed in me". but freedom from the past and from the future. freedom to understand in the only way i think i'll get a chance to. fragmentally, momentarily, like pollen floating in and out of time. we're all normal and we want our freedom. i have been busy. perhaps to avoid what's actually happening in my life, or to draw attention away from the fact that maybe nothing's happening in my life. or maybe everything's happening without me feeling it. waiting to wake up and when i do i still can't stop these nightmares. but fuck it. let's dance. let's have just a moment where the past doesn't destroy everything after it. let's all dance together, alone as we all are and listen to this one song in all our collective heads and do it while we can before we die and breathe in deep our last, realizing we were all caught up in some pointless shit while we should have been dancing and in love for the last 26 years. 3:01 a.m. - 8.12.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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