ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- get nervous, get sad, get worried about the past. when you ask me to sing, it feels like my heart might burst with pride. last night i remembered the winter, and how it was always waiting, then always there, then always waiting again. parts of the past week felt like spring, and the area where i'm staying reminds me of the dilapidated secret glory of louisville, ky. busted up and no-longer-new churches, falling down fences, fainting city. today i see things so beautiful where the sky connects to the clouds, and the buildings wear them like a disguise, like they're spying on us walking down their streets, moving all around at a pace we really believe makes a difference. i know, i know, it's serious. it's strange, too. you make jokes, yelling the lyrics from old skull's "Homeless" at me. (HOMELESS PEOPLE!! WHEN I LOOK INTO THEIR EYES I SEE SADNESS!! HOMELESSS!!!) but wow, it's been since the middle of august that i had any space to call my own, any place to sleep that wasn't borrowed or out-of-place. and probably a long time until i'll be able to sit down with everything in one place, maybe fall asleep and not worry about getting in the way or drooling on the couch.. extreme homelessness. everyone falls asleep before i do. last night it was so late, and the wind that makes the world colder made the house feel smaller. i played the This Mortal Coil lp you left out, and it seemed like any negative or seemingly hurtful thing that's happening now, or has happened for the past 24 years is all leading up to something unstoppable. this feeling is something i've known before, and although it's always different, it's hard to deny it or disbelieve the way it feels. remember when you came home from your ill-fated move to columbus, ohio? your job belonged to your friend, and y'all two just sat around while the power was out, starving and freaking out, sleeping or thinking, nothing in the world to do except watch everything happen, even though you were sure nothing was happening to you? then remember how later you realized everything happened right then and your life was somehow invisibly, silently and forever changed in that strange two month time period.. i only know there's motion and gracefullness and hope and hands of angels that don't need names. and i could be no more grateful for the amazing things that have happened in my life, and i could realize no more than i do right now that i am by no means in it alone, and everyone works like breathing in unison. these things are broken: my car, my teeth, my right eye, my lease, several plans i made, the events of the past. everything else works, and that rules! keep your fingers crossed, and listen listen listen!!!! *don't get nervous, don't get sad, don't get worried about the past. there are things that can't be changed. don't waste time on them today. don't hold on to what holds you back, like petals press themselves against crushed glass.* thank you for everything. ******* (listen to: will oldham, spring (brian wilson and his wife had a band, mostly beach boys and other cover songs, but amazing none-the-less.), superchunk, minutemen, black flag, the midnights, ectomorph, le car, the dentist, drink lots of water, take vitamins, tell the truth, fall in love.) don't get high. 23:20:07 - 2000-11-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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