ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if i was a giant robot i would destroy the whole city so excited for another year. so excited to wake up someone else. so excited to be someone new and think clearly again, maybe see the moon bounce it's light off the snow. stay up, stay out. all of this. like thanksgiving, there was a definite steve kenney vibe flowing through yesterday, the christmor's daye. i walked down to the gas station and got some soda, having a conversation with the attendant. he looked to be just barely eighteen, and kind of a layed-back sort of dude. he talked slowly but in a random and frantic style, running ideas together rather than words or speech patterns. "hey man, whassup? you alright? how was the morning, you know? like all the magic happens in the moring and then it's just like people be looking for something to do then. there ain't nothing. last night like eleven, no cars on the street. you'd think so but it maybe too cold, and people don't want to be wearing some dresses and shit. that's tight. see you later, man." i understood every word, but then wondered why. walking down the street to the chinese resturaunt, i looked in all the windows of the main street upper class resturaunts and boutiques. i live in ann arbor, and ann arbor lives in a constant shadow of former hipster glory and more apparent denial of it's complete and all-encompassing secret love affair with wealth. if a town could have a soul, and then have the option of selling it, (and a town can, does), ann arbor has. there's evidence everywhere of the changes that make all historical counter-culture landmarks and beautiful subversive movements that happened here just myths or folklore. very little remains of the physical evidence of what ann arbor once might have meant to different people and ideas. but nowhere does it seem more obvious than walking down main street. it's all about money, and blatantly. it was nice to see it all dead and reduced to boxes and buildings, down from the regular bustle of overpriced people eating mean food and trying too hard to feel good. but i noticed something amazing, and this is really the point of the entry... i don't really belive in violence. i think most times it's just an excuse for people to lash out or do something with force they're not strong enough or smart enough to do with reason. to me, there's no point and no logic to it at all, but i also can't deny i have violence in me, and flowing through me sometimes without reason. for the past many months, it's just kind of been co-existing with depression and frusturation. all these selfish impulses, and an undercurrent of violence and anger, never manifesting in a fight or an answer, just some bizzare kind of thing in the back of my head. normaly i just walk by places and imagine putting my fist through the windows, kicking out the light fixtures or even just punching and punching at the structures themeselves, maybe in some bizarre hopes that two fists could crumble an entire city. rarely do i want to destroy or really think of why i'm imagining this craziness, and almost never do these imaginings involve violence towards people. sometimes, but almost never. yesterday as i walked down the street, i felt a marked absence of these violent thoughts. no impulses to kick, smash or kill. just a strange contentedness, even though it was contentment soaked in isolation and depression, alone on christmas, but willfully, and walking down to the chinese resturaunt, somehow taking note that i wasn't in the mood to think about destroying everything around me. change is coming. maybe too slow, maybe already here. but moving forward and feeling like it's right, or maybe not terribly wrong. in an hour, my mom and sister will be in town, and i can't wait to see them. tomorrow we go to visit my grandmother, and i haven't seen her since i graduated highschool in 1994. so excited for what's new. so excited for change and clarity. 3:21 p.m. - 12.26.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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