ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- awesome now last night, since my friend and i can't be friends anymore, plus they were all hanging out with a bunch of friends, some of whom are better friends than before, plus i didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable, and really, we're all friends here, right? and so i called some friends, but they were just as down as i was, so i imagined i owed it to them to leave everyone alone. it's amazing how compounding isolation is, and how even with the best friends and as the realest, most honest person i'll ever get a chance to be, i somehow end up alone in my room alot, even on the weekends, and waiting for loneliness to turn into sleep. it's possible, however, to be loneliest in a huge room full of people. i sat around last night totally wrecking things and ruining things. i was lucky enough to get a phone call and a visit from two different people who love me a lot, and that is truly appreciated. i listened to some records, some that i hadn't gotten out in a long time. there was that double 7" called "eucalyptus", made in 1996 with a bunch of totally ridiculously over-the-top emo bands from 1994. current, julia, shroom union, etc.. i got it for the indian summer track, one i remember being so amazing and beautiful, the one called "Touch the wing of an angel, doesn't mean you can fly".. and i listened to it, and indian summer sounded like Pearl Jam, and current sounded like a thrown-away fugazi track, and all the other stuff.. whatever.. and i remembered how changed everyone's lives were if they were there. i mean, in 1994 i was 17, 18 by the end of the summer. not even big into emo or anything related, but on my first tour ever (the one where every single fucking show got cancelled!!) we still stayed in d.c. with the kids who put out that 7".. tiger 100 gave us their number, and we drank all the soda we could, and they asked us about current cause we were from michigan, and they played us indian summer, and we slept on their floor, and that all happened. and i thought it was ok, but didn't understand how it could really change my life until my life started to change, and nothing fit better than those songs.. or if the songs fit a little weird, the ideas they held felt like a second skin. and my life kept on changing and moving and i used the ideas and my beliefs and everything i had to stay strong and be true and learn, and i would have been a very very different person were it not for moments i spent where my life was erupting with everything new, and hot water music, cap'n jazz, current, rites of spring or indian summer were playing somewhere nearby. so i listened to all those records last night, and it just felt like sound. and that's ok, because even if it feels wrong, or like i've given up on part of myself, i know that's not what's happening. honestly, look around and think about how sad it is to see the people you know who do the same things, say the same words, repeat the same stories, feel the exact same never-shifting ways and listen to the same ten songs over and over for years and years. we must move forwards ever, backward never. these changes are often difficult, but just as important as the changes that came before that make us better people. i listened to some of the lovesick records, too, and even just two months gone, and even as close as i was to the band, i still feel like some of the ideas are slowly fading from what they used to mean to me. nothing could have made more sense, and nothing could have helped me live better than being in that band. but even that changed, and became something less than it should have been, something somehow corrupted, even if microscopicly so. that's why it stopped. but i wonder will i ever turn myself off and just give up on everything i ever believed in. people do that all the time without even thinking about it. not really losing the fight, or losing THEIR fight, just forgetting about it, moving on, changing. why was i lifting tape-dispensers at work today? why am i suddenly concerned with upper body strength? just kidding! dude, i totally don't give a fuck about upper body strenth. the moments of perfect clarity and ideal "all problems solved" feeling.. these moments are really up to each of us. we move like fog, and keep on quantifying when everything will be "better" or "right".. imagining some sort of perfect, ideal life. here we are, happy and healthy and beautiful, with money and time for everything we could ever want, and no problems or weaknesses to bring us down, and all we have to do to get there is...... these moments are already here, in a lot of ways. probably in as many ways as they ever will be all at once. my beautiful and smart friend said "you're always thinking about what has to happen before things can be awesome.. and that's bullshit. you just have to make it awesome now." look up and look around. everything is moving. everything is happening to you right now, and you have to make it awesome now. don't wait. don't forget. don't look back. don't ever stop. ******* listen to: xbxrx, 25 suaves, andrew wk "GOT TO DO IT", mashnote. 12:53 a.m. - 12.16.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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