ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On the highrise estate, what's at the back of your mind? We were talking on the phone just the other day about some chump that everyone hates. Man, everyone fucking hates this kid. Worse, yes I'm sad to say, than GJae, even is this motherfucker despised. With all the movie posters that he dug out of the trash, and all those record covers on the shelves, looking pretty without records inside... And you said.. "Man, what a clown. He knows as much about flipping his hair or ******* on the coat-tails of ************** ripping off *********** and *****************" as he does about living his own life." And the world will continue to turn, and everyone will still talk their specific shit about this GeeJayesque person. And some person will have a problem with some other person, and one will flash some totally infuriating phony smile that just kind of says "Fuck you for something, I can't remember exactly what anymore" when the other walks in the room. But I thought again about the importance of living your own life, and not being ashamed of who you are. Or what you do, or why you do it. Another friend said "If you're embarrassed or ashamed because you like something, you don't actually like it." And that's about as clear of thoughts as I can run into lately. We listened to the Smiths today, and I was happy to hear it and so sad to hear it. It was just like highschool, but somehow sadly updated. Still, "Stretch Out And Wait" comes close to perfect, with the two little tambourine clangs in the chorus, simeltaneously giving me a heart and throwing it in the snow. And tonight I saw a video where I was 21. I look exactly the same today. Except I kind of did dress like a gym teacher back then. Big stupid ill-fitting dickies and crewcut hair with the same pair of cheap sneakers for years. So much has changed it's stunning. Electrifying. Breathtakingly baffling and beautiful and something to cry all the way home about. I think about it because I'm broke again. I have this new van, but I'm down to nothing in a way I haven't been in years and years, probably since I was 21. And there's an amazing liberation that exists only alongside broke, heavy shoulders and in the shadow of dread. And a freedom in nothingness, and in knowing that your whole life is getting ready to let you go, even though it loves you as much as it ever has. Possibly as much as it will ever be able to. 2:27 a.m. - 2.13.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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