ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Enemies I was sick all day yesterday, and I threw up for the first time in fourteen years. I know that sounds like some crazy Larry Livermore shit, or like something someone old who's been around too long would have time to say, but it's true even still. I don't know how much I've gone into my regurgitation phobia on the diaryland, but it has plagued me to various extents since I was really really young. Something happened where I stayed up late and watched "The Exorcist" on HBO when I was like six or seven, and saw all this ghastly demonic stuff where a girl is possessed by demons and throwing up like crazy, head all spinning around and speaking some pretty inventive swear words.. It freaked me the fuck out, and I was scared as hell. I wanted to feel like it was only a movie, a total lie which could never hurt me or scare me really, but I also didn't want to get in trouble for sneaking downstairs and watching an R-rated movie I shouldn't have been watching. So I asked my parents (who at the time were pretty religious) about demons and demonic possession, and if it was real, and what not.. and man, it fucked me up even worse!!! My dad told me all this stuff which I think I processed differently than was intended, all about demons and false pastors, and kids smoking pot behind the church (which I imagined as teenagers huddled over a big cauldron, or a big witchy pot.. I mean, I was six!!) and special prayers to say if you think you're being possessed... all sorts of complexly frightening stuff. So, in the end, I was a nervous wreck of a child, getting more nervous every time I read the bible, which I did a lot as a kid. By the time I was ten I couldn't get an upset stomach without thinking I was being overtaken by hordes of Satan's dark angels. All starting from a movie.. When I got a little older, I had already convinced myself that I hated puking more than anything in the world, and had gone as long as possible without doing so. There were probably dozens of times when I should have gotten rid of whatever was disagreeing with my system, but I really really hated the feeling and all the strange childhood associations, so I just never let myself. I was gonna just go for as long as I could without vomiting, and I did up until yesterday. When your number's up, you go, you go.. I am getting very excited about going on tour. I am also realizing that it's becoming more and more of a commonplace thing, no less special or exciting, but definately less novel. I have less of a feeling like I will only ever get a few scant chances to make music outside of Michigan for people, and I believe that is the goal. Boyfriends and girlfriends and enemies. Remember when you were 19 years old and lying in your bed all winter, listening to Low and Bedhead and Palace, and anything else that played at 30bpm or less? Christmas lights were up above and you had never dreamed of love. It was cold and when the wind hit the house, you could feel it come through the thin glass of that huge window in your room. What did it mean to live in letters and the repeating grooves of songs? Did you ever think about your time, even for a minute? Were things better then, or worse than you can even bring yourself to remember? 12:54 a.m. - 2.18.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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