ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- jinx remedy Never too old to keep a diary, never too late to keep track, never a moment less dull or a lifetime without worry. I've lived in this house for almost five months. I have seen new depths of how low things get, new peaks of possibility. Possibility is everywhere. Sometimes it's almost as though possibility is aware of itself, and presenting itself whenever it can, but with the understanding that it can only ever be what it is. Possibility once realized is no longer possibility, it's then fact. All the important things in life seem to be on some sort of undeterminable hold. I made a record this winter, and I can't imagine how I'll look back on it. It's almost like I can't feel or comprehend actualizing anything. The heat went out on the day I started recording and all my friends who live in town went on tour. I stopped eating sugar for a while to try to break out of sadness, but it just freaked out my bloodstream. I tried drinking a gallon of water a day, it kinda worked, but man that's a lot of water. Jamie started doing it, too and he stuck by it. He said he sometimes gets gag reflex because it's just too much. Point is, I don't feel really connected to the things I love right now, even when I'm doing them or they're done. I really don't want to go on psychodrugs. Breathe better. Think better. Move forward. It's helpful to know that it's not terrificly uncommon to kind of lose it sometimes, but it really hurts. The coldest winter of my entire life so far. I really hope it's the coldest time I ever have to face. Saying such a thing gives the superstitious a chance to feel like they're jinxing themselves and whatever they're hoping for, the opposite will occur. But you can't curse a curse, as i've noted before. Eight sections of magnetic tape, eight different routes that mean escape. Three years spent asking one question over and over again three thousand different ways. One system of inoperation that just changes costumes and names before it presents itself to you for the 27th time. Possibility that is endless, but endlessly only ever possiblity. Seeing stars, scared of cars, all the endlessness and friendlessness, too much time in bars. Another 16 hours to wait until you can sleep again. Better, better. Jinx remover. 2:05 a.m. - 3.13.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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