ypsilanti's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- belle i can hear car doors slamming outside, and only remember what shooting stars look like. returned from thirty five hours in the woods, hanging out on rocky beaches and making music with the people i love the most who are closest to me, all of this to find my tail-light is still broken and there's still no place for me in this world. my mom sent a big package of stuff i assume is birthday gifts, and it's so nice to be thought of, and i really love my mom and dad, sister as well. it's really making me sad, though, because i know they don't know me even well enough to know my most basic beliefs or just things i care about on a fundamental level. august is always so weird, starting about two years ago. you left, and i couldn't hold things in my hands anymore. it was like, what was i holding all this stuff for, when i was never going to get a chance to talk to you or play music with you, see you ever again? it disgusted me. everything that may have once been some sort of entertainment, muse, slight inspiration, it all became a weight. a distraction from what was really important. i realized so many people would rather connect with things than other human beings. it's the safest route, and the path of least dissapointment. i wanted nothing to do with that, then. painful interactions and possible crushing dissappointments beat out conversations with myself in an empty room. then that august my parents sold the house i spent grades four through twelve in, and i had to root through the various piles of belongings and garbage stuffed away in closets and cellars, at every turn finding something i barely remembered but felt bad about throwing out. this was made worse by my mom (her entire side of the family, myself and her included being bitten at birth by some strange packrat, unable to detatch emotional ties from empty tic tac containers, etc) who would ask me with a sad and shaky voice if i was sure i didn't want to save almost everything i let go of. it's a battle i have thought about since then, especially when houses rotate, and my birthday comes along, with it a few more cards and trinkets it really wouldn't be right to just toss immediately in the trash. tonight riding my bike i remembered how i had promised myself i would try to own nothing by the time i turned twenty four. fuck. it was a goal i really thought hard about and reminded myself of constantly for some time. i have so much to learn about the value of life and real ideas. inspiration is like water right now. 04:54:44 - 2000-08-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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